Wolf Mountain 2012!

Last week I had the most awesome privilege of attending Wolf Mountain Science Camp with Colby and his 7/8 grade class. I went along as a chaperone for the girl's cabin. It was a very sweet time of reflection on all of God's goodness. We studied His creation of the things that we are surrounded by every day. We studied our own hearts and where we are at in our spirituality. We studied how God delivers us, protects us, comforts us, restores us, and guides us. What a week! Psalm 23The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters,he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousnessfor his name's sake.Even though I walk through the valley of theshadow of death,I will fear no evil,for you are with me;Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before mein the presence of my enemies.You anoint my head with oil;my cup overflows.Surely goodness and love will follow meall the days of my life,and I will dwell in the house of the Lordforever. Scripture that I have known since I was a young girl, but this week it came alive! Every bit of the green pastures and quiet waters surrounded me in a literal way. The beauty of all that He has created just wasn't something to be missed. It rained for two of the days that we were there. It wasn't fun getting rained on and wet, but at the same time, even the rain and cold was beautiful. It was a week of being shepherded by my Master. I had some much needed one on one time with Colby too. Dad and the boys at home were covering us in prayer all week, and one of the things that I specifically asked them to pray about was that Colby and I would be allowed some special time together... Just the two of us. It was such a blessing! We both came home with hearts that were refreshed by the Holy Spirit and on fire to serve God in whatever ways He has us to. There were many activities that kept us busy all week. Everything from horse back riding to zip lining in the dark (yes, even MOM did it). :)The times in chapel were my most favorite though. I left every chapel service with tears trying to make their way out of my eyes. I felt change taking place in me, and I saw evidence of change in my son, as well as some of the other campers. Some of them I didn't know before I got there. Another school from down in the valley came to WM last week too. One boy in particular stole a piece of my heart. His father passed away in July due to cancer. This was his first trip away from home since. He arrived at camp as a quiet and reserved boy who shied away from a lot. As the camp director spoke of faith, and our loving creator, this boy's attitude seemed to take on a different look. By the last day, he was on the high ropes course making every adult at the camp choke up! It was quite the testimony... What a week... So much to remember and hold close.

Raising The White Flag!

I've been hearing this song a lot lately... Yet another one of those things that has happened and I have received a check in my spirit knowing that it is by no accident. God is so perfect... So on time. I realize that sometimes it appears that we are one big yo-yo family. We decide this, and then we decide that. That's the problem though... WE decide. It should never be that way. Surrender should be something that comes naturally, don't you think? It isn't though... And that is why we lift this white flag when "the war" is over. For some reason, our natural instinct is to fight the war first. We give it everything we have. We have absolutely NO peace, and we continue the battle until we feel that there is justice. Justice comes in the act of surrender though. Last week, through many different circumstances, we raised our flag. I cannot tell you what life has been like since. All I can say is that there has been TOTAL surrender, and in that, justice has come. We will only move from this place if we are made to before the end of our two year wait to buy another home. We actually had a rental application filled out last week for another home. We were within minutes of handing over the application for this house that would have all new everything! All new carpet, paint, fixtures, appliances... EVERYTHING! It was a bigger home that would come at a bigger price. Somehow, we had almost convinced ourselves that we NEEDED it, that we DESERVED it. Truthfully, nothing could be further from the truth. Our needs are being met right where we are at, and WE are not the ones to say what WE deserve! The Lord should always be the one to gift us, not ourselves. I remember many years ago Jason and I had been through the loss of our first two sons. We had then met up with difficulties conceiving. We tried everything.... Including medications. After over a year of this, we decided to lift our flag of surrender. Neither of us had been baptized. We decided to be baptized together as an act of re-committing our lives to Christ and surrendering our lives to only Him. It was not even a month later that we conceived Lucas, our son who will be turning 15 in June! We immediately knew the glory went to our Jesus. He hasn't changed. He still waits for us to surrender ALL... To stop the battle. I don't know why it has taken us so long this time to lay this all at His feet, but we finally have. With that, there is much more beauty in the every day again. This place that we have made home even appears more beautiful than before. He has given me new eyes with this act of surrender. He has heard my prayers about wanting to get back to living only for each day instead of rushing time away. The white flag is up and waving strong. With His help, we will continue to hold it high.

Again

We have yet another new plan. We met with people last week and learned much more about what our big picture looks like..... Financially speaking. It will be awhile before we buy another house. I think everyone that I know expected me to come away from this news stomping my feet and wailing, but I didn't. Turns out, what I really needed most was just to know. Now we know, and now we have a new plan.

It took me a long time to master the art (actually, it's more of a discipline) of living each day just for itself. Reading, counting gifts daily, praying, my attitude.... All these things contributed to my success of being able to not rush time away in anticipation for the next "thing". It was a good place for me to be. I miss it now. I haven't been there in awhile. It's time to go back...

We are moving again. We are looking for a home to get comfortable in. This house has been a gift in it's own funky way. We have learned here. We have learned a lot about what doesn't work for a family of five with three being boys and two dogs to boot! Our land lord is graciously letting us out of our lease and we will take our time in finding the RIGHT place to make home for the next couple of years.

With all of this moving, I am being stretched to capacity. I am leaning on Jesus like never before. I am letting go of a lot, and I am gaining even more. The character that is forming in these boys of ours is amazing! They don't like it anymore than I do, and none of us expected this ride when we left our big home in the little woods a year ago now. However, I STILL believe that we will all be better individuals and a better family unit when this is all finished.

Would you please pray for us friends? Pray that J and I would have incredulous discernment when choosing this new home. Pray that we might receive the blessing of a landlord that would allow us to make this house our home for the time we need. Pray that there will be an incredible amount of comfort found in this new home and that there would no longer be a need felt to rush time away.

Thank you for continuing on this journey with us. We are blessed!

Lead me to the Cross -- The Passion of the Christ

Praying that this day and this weekend will be a time of mourning and then rejoicing. I want to acknowledge the pain that my Jesus suffered for ME. I want to be on my knees and then I want to stand in praise.

He is and ALWAYS will be my strength that takes on and endures what I cannot, my song that inspires me and leads me and my SAVIOR that has paid the ultimate price.

Testimony

After a very busy weekend, my Colby sat at the computer typing away. His fingers seemed to punctuate every key. He typed with something different about him. I didn't know what he was typing, and I waited until he was done to ask. The rest of us sat just feet away on our big couch... Snuggled in for the night. Colby finished typing and printed his paper. He then began to reach for his back pack to put his final project away. I stopped him.

"Colby, what have you been working on?" I asked.

"Oh, it's just my testimony that I'm supposed to hand in this week."

His teacher, who is also a very good friend of mine had shared with me that she had asked her class to really think about their own personal testimony and then write it up. She didn't want this to be something they rushed through or took lightly. She wanted them to really FEEL that they knew their relationships with the Lord... Where it started and where it is going. I was immediately filled with anticipation of what my son would write. I never stopped to consider that he would feel hesitation about letting me read it.

"Can I read it, Cole?"

"Mom, it's kind of personal. I don't know."

I didn't want to push, but I also wanted him to feel stretched. I explained that I believe that sharing our testimonies is something that I feel God calls us all to do. They are personal, but a part of us that is meant to be shared with others. I told him that I think it would be great if all five of us did this same project at home and shared with each other.

He came to my side and handed me the paper. I read those words, and my eyes could not stay dry. My 12 year old son GETS IT! He understood exactly what this assignment was about and he wrote with such authenticity. I could actually hear his sweet voice as I read the words. He shared about the day he asked Jesus to be his Savior and then he shared about his relationship with him today. He shared his joys and his struggles. It was BEAUTIFUL!

We are so blessed to have Colby and Caleb attending the school where they are at. They are both being challenged academically, but the spiritual challenge is where I see the most reward. Their teachers are both wonderful women who love the Lord with all of their hearts and they take their job as shepherds more seriously than any other job that they are supposed to accomplish in one year's time.

Colby's testimony spoke to his Mama's heart. He reminded me that even in our struggles, joy awaits us. The Lord is always teaching... Always directing. Are my hands open and laid out before Him? Is my mind willing? Are my feet ready to go?

The desire of my heart is to always answer YES to these questions... In Spirit, mind and body. I am to never keep this personal, but I am to wear this attitude EVERYday.

His plan, Not Mine

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't wanted to come here and write because I honestly haven't felt like I had much positive to say... Even after that last post that so many found uplifting. I guess this proves I'm human.... Not perfect in any way after all. I still feel everything that I wrote about last. None of that was made up or written so to sound like someone I am not. In life there is an eb and flow. I experience both all the time.

I have written here before that sometimes the Lord puts just one single word on my heart and in my head. I used to pray that God would send me billboards that would clearly direct me on my path. I have learned that these words that He gives me are my billboards. I am grateful and humbled each time I receive them. With that being said, my latest billboard is "plan".

I have heard it in song, I have heard it and read it in scripture a lot lately, and yesterday I heard it in my pastor's message.

Many, O Lord, my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell them, they would be too many to declare. ~ Psalm 40:5

My life is but one big blue print.... But not one drawn up by myself. I try to speak with such authority sometimes regarding the things that seem unfair right now.... Things that I do not like. Things that make me completely unhappy. I have let depression not only knock at my door, but I have let it through the door. How easily I forget.

I forget about pain experienced in the past that has brought me to where I am now. I forget about how throughout my entire life, the Lord has blessed me abundantly! I forget that my plan is not his plan. Not only that, but His plan is ALWAYS the better one!!

My prayer on this day and in these days ahead is that I will not forget any longer. I am praying for an attitude change that is clearly felt on the inside and visible on the outside. I no longer want to be a slave to my plan, but I DO want to serve my family and this life according to God's plan. I want to serve with gratitude and a willing heart, knowing that the desires of my heart are not unknown to Him. My desires, as long as they are with right motive, are important to the Lord. I know this and therefore I can let go of the control. I can stop trying to lead my way, and follow His lead in ALL things.

A Diamond in the Rough

So here we are... In what we have affectionately come to call our "glorified apartment". It is pretty much just that. It has officially been one month since our move. I purposely waited a month to sit and gather my thoughts about it and write. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to just use my keyboard here to type out a million and one complaints.

Everyday that I spend here, I find many things that draw me away. I admitted to my hubby over the weekend that it has been a challenge for me to find reasons (other than my work) to NOT be home. It's easy for me to become a little depressed about it I guess. That, and it's just so small. Copper and I constantly struggle with each other for space to move around during the day when there are no other bodies but me and the furry ones.

But then the boys come home... Everything changes.

My attitude becomes a bit sunnier and it feels like home. The house suddenly erupts with laughter and activity. It feels good.

There are things about this house that are weird. Things that are broken, with no future of being repaired. The dining room has no light. We stuck a floor lamp next to the table, but the ceilings are vaulted in there, so the floor lamp doesn't help much. In the middle of my dining room table there now sits a big candle. We have candle lit dinners every night now. It's actually become pretty sweet. the younger boys race to the candle every night in hopes that they will be the one that gets to play with fire. Our dinner time has become more relaxed and we linger a bit longer. Is it the candle? I am able to see and feel the gift in having no light in the dining room.

About a week after we moved in the dishwasher broke. The land lord has no plans to have it fixed or have it replaced. Soooo..... That means Dawn (as in liquid dish soap) and I have become the best of friends. She and I stand at the sink several times a day and have therapy sessions. There's something about washing dishes by hand. Seriously. It is so cleansing, on many levels. I traveled through the stages of grief over losing my dishwasher, but in the end I am ALMOST grateful for this inconvenience during this stage of life.

Every night I get to hear my boys talking and laughing from their tiny dorm. They are so funny, these boys. They are growing and changing so fast. Because of the limited vastness of this place, I don't feel like I miss anything. I see it all. I AM grateful for that... SO GRATEFUL!

The television isn't on hardly at all these days. There are more books on the coffee table and there are board games lying about. There is music coming from the piano and the guitars. This "glorified apartment" has become more like our summer cottage. Where we all come at the end of the day to just be. Be here... Be together. This house, I have come to appreciate, is refining us. Who could ask for more than that?

When we move out and into our God willing "final home" before GOING home, we will be better because of this place with no dining room light, no dishwasher, and limited space. Our family will have more connection. We will know each other like never before.

Thank you, Lord... For this Diamond in the Rough.