Fifteen

In less than 48 hours, my oldest will be turning fifteen. Ugh... Such an ugly number, don't you think? I mean, from a mother's perspective of course.

Fifteen means it's the last year that he won't be driving. I actually enjoy driving my boys around to all of their activities... It's when we have our best talks.

Fifteen means only two more birthdays before he's pronounced a legal adult.

Fifteen means even MORE girls will be trying to knock down our doors.

Maybe I should stop lingering in the aisle of negative and focus more on everything beautiful though...

Fifteen means he's learning more about the art of becoming more charming and gentle-manly.

Fifteen means he has perfected the skill of taking care of his Mama. { Just the other day, he texted me and told me to pick him up from school coming the back way because he heard drag racing on the main street }

Fifteen means he's more attentive to the cost of living. He doesn't ask for anything designer or anything expensive. He's a bargain hunter... Just like his Mom!

Fifteen means that he has opportunities almost every day to stand up for his beliefs in Jesus.... And he seizes those opportunities!

It's a bittersweet thing watching your baby grow. Bitter because the time goes so fast and those days of sitting in the sand box together get further behind us. Sweet because we get to witness this little being grow into a real person... And when you see so much good, it's hard not to want to see more as they continue to grow.

Lucas, I adore you so much! You continue to live up to the meaning of your name "The light". Your light shines so deeply into my heart, as well as the hearts of others that know you. I pray many things for you each day. This year, my prayers will be focused on you having your true confidence in the Lord. I pray that His voice will remain to be the loudest and strongest voice that you hear when you are faced with making decisions of all kinds. I pray that as you continue to mature, that the path that the Lord sets before you will be clear to you... Even if it's a path that looks challenging and tough to conquer. I know you can!

Happy birthday son... I love you. ~

His Face

Seek my face, and you will find fulfillment of your deepest longings. My world is filled with beautiful things; they are meant to be pointers to Me, reminders of My abiding Presence. The earth still declares My Glory to those who have eyes that see and ears that hear.

You had a darkened mind before you sought Me wholeheartedly. I chose to pour My Light into you, so that you can be a beacon to others. There is no room for pride in this position. Your part is to reflect My Glory. I am Lord! ~ Jesus Calling {June 6}

I started this week with a mind that was darkened. As I chose to let the Lord's Glory shine into me, I could literally FEEL my eyes and ears begin to open to what God has for me. I am a person who mostly speaks to God quietly. I might pray silently, or meditate while driving. I write my prayers down on paper. Sometimes I talk to the Lord while singing, but that's about as loud as I normally get with my conversations with Him. The other day I sat on my couch in the complete quiet of a house empty of all others. I sat there and I completely lost it. I began to cry out to Him. My voice was loud and filled with emotion as I talked to HIm and told him of all of my failures, all of my gratitude for Him and the grace that He allows me, and all of my requests for a change of my heart. As my step sister put it in a post here, I want to die to self and live more freely in His presence. I want to be in communion with Him. When I am there, I am less concerned about here.

What gets in the way of my being there?

Pride.

My thinking that I need this, or that I deserve that prevents me from achieving total communion and rest. For many months now, I have felt a stirring in my life. Everything that I have known and felt comfort with has gradually been stripped. It has been easy for me to feel pity on myself because of this. I get angry and experience hurt when I think of everything that I have "lost". I start the vicious circle of questioning all of the whys. The root of all of this is pride though. As Jesus Calling so simply put it in yesterday's devotion... There is no room for pride in my position.

I am one who has known who Jesus is since a very young age. I have known who He is, and I have seen and felt who He is as I have developed a relationship with my Jesus through womanhood. Jesus has called me into a position where I am supposed to be a beacon to others. The circumstances that surround me from my past to this present time are circumstances that He has given so that I would have stories to share of Him and His goodness and faithfulness.

There is a lot that doesn't make sense right now. As my mom pointed out just this week though... There have been other times in my life when things just didn't make sense either. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't understand all of the whys! Today I do though. Today those circumstances from the past make sense to me, and because of that, I know that today's circumstances will one day make sense also. Do I need to worry about making sense now? No. Should I let pride ruin my opportunity to be the beacon that God has made of me? No.

When I seek His face, there is rest.

When I seek His face, pride melts away.

When I seek His face, the story unfolds and my hands are open instead of clenched.

This life is a gift.

Every. Single. Chapter. Of. It.

Why I Write

Sometimes I wonder why I write.

Why do I get cozy with my lap top and pour my heart out to cyber space? I know there are readers, but really.... I do not know everyone that reads here and I do not know how often my words are read. So.... Why do I take time out from a VERY busy day and start typing?

As a little girl, my favorite subject was always writing. It started with just handwriting. I loved to make letters look pretty on paper. I remember asking a friend who was a year older than me to teach me to write cursive. We weren't doing that at school yet, but I was ready! She sat with me many afternoons and showed me stroke by stroke. I was more than proud to be the only one in my class to be able to write cursive! It wasn't just cursive either... It was art for me.

From that point on, I put pen to paper frequently. I loved receiving writing assignments and I loved even more to write in my own journals at home. I went through a time in life (as most teenage girls do) when my writing was a little on the depressing side, but it was me. It was my heart.

When I met J, I kept journals about how our relationship was developing. I wrote "love letters" to him, all tucked into a hard bound book. With each of my pregnancies, and even after their births, I wrote letters to my children. I spoke of every emotion that took over my mind as a new mommy. I wrote specific prayers in those journals. They like to read those today. So special.
When we lost our two boys to pre-term birth, the first thing I wanted to do after I gathered myself was write. I wrote literally pages. I still have all of these. Every journal, every page I've ever put my writing on. I keep them in a box. Now I have this neat little place to do all of my writing... It's called a blog.

I write here because writing is what I've always done. I guess a part of me wonders if someday I will be one who will sit underneath a cute little window that overlooks wildflowers and green fields while I gather writings from yesterday, today and tomorrow and put them into a book. The thought intrigues me, but then I wonder... Who would read it? Would it really be significant enough to anyone else to read, or are my thoughts just that... MY thoughts?

I know this. I know that the only ones that I desire to read any of the things kept neatly in this space all of these years is my husband and these boys of mine. Oh, and perhaps even grandchildren down the road. Maybe someday they will read these pages and they will see my heart better. They will see where I have learned and where I have failed. They will see life's ups and it's downs and the way I chose to ride. Hopefully what they will see is good. I've tried my best to admit my shortcomings and faults here so that it's never hard to notice the growth.

So I guess I write because if I didn't, my heart would feel under water... Flooded. I don't write to be noticed or even complimented (although it's nice to hear when I've written something that spoke to someone else's heart). I write because I want to leave a part of me... On paper.

Since from the beginning, paper and ink have always been a big part of who I am. It continues to be just that.

Stretching Time

The art of stretching time, it seems, is about moving even deeper into the present. ~ Katrina Kenison
{ taken from The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother's Memoir }

I get up in the morning and the feel of the shift is so prevalent! Shortly, we will be leaving spring behind... Another school year. Summer's call is no longer faint, but heard close by.

Slow summer mornings, enjoying long breakfasts around the big farm style table.

Morning walks as the sun rises, and evening walks as it sets.

The scent of sunscreen is present as I daydream of all the days we'll spend by the side of the pool.

Road trips!

Continuing the tradition of picking berries with my boys. Strawberries... Blueberries.... Blackberries.

A time of reconnection. A time of stretching time. Moving deeper within our now and feeling the blessing of it all.

Brought To You by Kleenex!

I just took Luke into town and dropped him off at youth group with some friends. I heard this song on my way home, and almost didn't make it home safely due to swerving all over the road. The tears were heavy people... Get your box of tissue! The song speaks about the core of my heart right now. With one finishing up his freshman year, one finishing his next to last year of junior high and another ending his fourth grade year... I am faced with many emotions. A friend actually asked me today about this matter. She asked me if this stage of life is hard. I answered a quick "yes" and didn't embark on talking much more about it. I swallowed the lump in my throat and changed the subject quickly.

After hearing this song, I remembered that it's important to talk about it though. It's important to bring it up. It's all going to happen, and I AM going to miss this! Truthfully, I know they will too. I know that because I am capable of looking back now and feeling those pangs of guilt over rushing through stages of life only to get to the next one. I'm sure you all can relate.

** Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the page before viewing the video. :)

Mothers Day is right around the corner. Mothers Day is a favorite of mine, and it's not for reasons that you might expect. For some moms, Mothers Day is about relaxing and being spoiled. I don't see anything wrong with that. For me though, it's different. I like being spoiled just as any other does, but on THIS day, it almost doesn't make sense to me. Mothers Day for me is about me having the desires of my heart fulfilled. It's about celebrating the awesome title God has given me as being a mom. I GET to be mom to these three boys here, and someday I will meet again with my two precious sons in heaven. Being a mom is a privilege... An honor not to be taken lightly. So, on Mothers day I only think it makes sense to pour myself into my children as much as any other day.

This year the boys are treating me to a day at the beach! The new kites are sitting on the dining room table as I type. The sunscreen is packed in the beach bag. The weather promises to be perfect! There's a little place called 'Lucas Wharf Restaurant' that we've frequented for many years (for reason being our oldest's name, of course) where we will dine in the sunshine. The chowder and sourdough bread there (oops... guess I'll have to leave gluten free behind for a day) beckon my taste buds. J and I will sit on a blanket and sink our toes into the cool sand while we watch the creativity of our boys explode! The beach has always been a place where they have felt free to be... ANYTHING. Watching them play has and always will be a favorite past time for me.

It's a perfectly planned day. No other ingredients needed. Mothers Day at it's very finest.

Happy Mothers Day to all of my "bloggy gals" out there... I hope you end your day feeling like you've celebrated the joy and honor of being mom.

Threads

We are SO blessed to be a part of a small community of people within our church family. In our church, we call it "Life Group". We meet once a week and share a meal and get into God's word together. We share life. In our group, there are just as many adults as there are children from the age of 10 on up. Some might be baffled on how to study God's word and get to the "meat" of it with such a wide age span. Well.... Consider this your official invitation to come check us out! It's pretty amazing.

Last night we had our once a week gathering. We welcomed two very treasured people within our church body as newbies to our group. They are newbies to our group, but not to the Word. D has read through the bible numerous times and taught on it for many years. He is now taking our sweet group through the book of Hebrews. I am SUPER excited about this new journey to begin.

As we began our new study last night, D mentioned needle point. Needle point wasn't something I expected to hear about last night, but I sure am glad that I did. He talked about how the back of a needle point project is REALLY messy! There are threads crossing over each other, under each other, long stitches, short stitches.... Nothing can be made out. Nothing makes any sense at all. Then, you turn the project over and there is a beautiful work of art that makes you wonder (at least I do) .... WOW, how did she do it? How did all that mess turn into such an intricate piece of worth and beauty? Our lives are much the same.

Down here, it all looks so messy. We have this jumbled up life of all sorts of circumstances and nothing seems to fit together sometimes. We have short paths that take us this way, and then longer paths that take us another way and to us, it seems like it's anything BUT beautiful. Speaking for myself, I can say that I have even felt like the stitches sewn into the fabric are just one gigantic thread of mistakes that need to be unraveled and started over again. God doesn't see it that way though.

He sees the intricate, carefully placed beauty of each strand of thread. He sees where the thread has been and where it is going next. He sees this because He is our designer. He holds the needle. As He goes along, he sees the full work of art... Completed. He sees our worth.

Great analogy, don't you think? Thanks, D.... I'll never look at needle point the same again. I've never really done any, but now I have this overwhelming desire to give it a try. :)

Today I feel very grateful for this group that we get to share life with. Every Monday our boys wake up happier because it is Life Group day. They get to go and sit with some of their buddies and dive into God's word with them, and with their parents and a group of adults who see them with worth. They see them as needle point...