My Boys

They are growing at rapid paces. They are becoming men before my eyes. Part of me is sad, part of me is excited. All of me is relishing every moment of every day.

What the Body Wants

Caleb and I are on a 10 day sugar cleanse. Today is day one. At this very moment, we are both suffering from HUGE headaches. As I started explaining the why behind the headache to my 12 year old son, I felt it necessary to record some thoughts down here.

" You have a headache because your body will react in strange ways to the fact that it's not getting what it wants. Our bodies WANT sugar, so our foreheads are throbbing!"

After I explained a little more, I encouraged Caleb to sit down and write a little about how fasting from something is affecting him. He was a little confused at the suggestion.

"Hmmmm..... I feel really bad because I want to eat sugar. My head hurts, my stomach doesn't feel right....." He said.

" No, don't just record your physical state of being. Write down how this is affecting your mental and spiritual sides. How does your body's negative response to not getting something you want relate to your walk with Jesus?"

I think it was too deep for my 12 year old boy to get, but I'm here to write.

Have you ever tried sugar cleansing? You must take out all refined sugars. You also have to limit your natural sugars to one small piece of fruit a day. You cannot eat corn because it is very high in natural sugars. Your diet during a sugar cleanse does not include any wheat, gluten, or starches. You pretty much eat meat, eggs, veggies, nuts, and a little dairy for the duration that you have chosen. Sounds pretty easy, right? I challenge YOU!

It's far from easy, and for the first three days your body and soul obsess over the things you cannot have. It can lead to extreme irritability, a false sense of lethargy, and other bodily symptoms such as headaches. I have one question though..... What if?

What if every time you wanted to give up and dive into that bowl of chips and salsa you instead filled your glass with water and asked Jesus to fill you up and take away the desire? What if you denied your body while supplying your soul?

What if in the process of detoxing, you suddenly feel that what our bodies want, most of the time, IS NOT what our bodies NEED?? Want and need are very different, aren't they? Those two words could actually be antonyms. What my body wants right now is something that also poisons my body. The same can be said about life. Some of the things I want in life are poisonous to my life. Things that I want can also be things that wreck me! Only Jesus knows what these things are, and He will build walls where necessary to protect me from this wreckage. Ugh..... SO hard to come to grips with, but I am here to tell you something.

It's easier to accept when I deny my body. When I deny my body, I'm more able to deny my spirit. Yesterday I felt discouraged about some things, but as the day has gone on, that discouragement has shrunk. I see things from different perspective. It doesn't necessarily make everything feel all better. I may experience a "headache" or two. These are just symptomatic though... Part of the process.

I'll be back to share more during this 10 day journey. Who knows, maybe I'll get my boy to make a guest appearance here with some of his thoughts. I'm really looking forward to ALL that The Lord wants to reveal to me. Clarity.

All Is Grace

In the end, that's exactly what it is... All grace.

Everyday I make decisions. Some are good, some are bad. I hesitated there for a minute... I didn't want to type "bad". I wanted to put "not so good", but really... Some decisions are bad.

Everyday I respond to life. As I age, I try to respond in more responsible, glorifying ways. Admittedly, I am getting better, but still... Sometimes I really fail at responding to life in a way that is pleasing to others and ultimately, to Jesus.

Everyday I simply mess up. My mess ups aren't always evident to others. A lot of times, my mess ups occur inside of my own heart. I catch myself thinking about something or someone in a way that is NOT positive. People hurt people, and my way of dealing with it a lot of times is to bury it. If my hurt is caused by the same person/people consistently, I bury it. Almost always, I try going to that person and sharing my heart to begin with, but too many failed attempts at being heard cause me to start digging and burying.

I have heard words lately that sting to the core.

All Is Grace.

Jesus extends this grace to me everyday. He pours it over me in all of my decisions, responses, and mess ups. He never stops. He doesn't bury my failures. He covers them. A long time ago He covered them literally with His own blood, and today? Today He continues to do the same.

My heart is heavy with the fact that a lot of times I am not so good at offering grace to others who deserve it no less than I do. Did you catch that? I wrote "not so good". No.... I really SUCK at it a lot of times. I justify in my own head that I have offered up that person's limit of grace. Their grace bank is empty... Moving on now. Time to bury and move on.

Do I want to be someone known for this character? Absolutely not! This is an area of my life that needs refining. I have gone here before too. It's a painful place. I have asked the Lord to improve my character in certain places, and He always does. He can't do it without supplying plenty of opportunities though. I am in the middle of that right now. I am in the refiner's fire, and it is painful.

Grace is here though. It is here to be received. It is here to be extended and to be poured over others.

All IS grace... And grace is all.

BELIEVE

There seems to be this bug going around that wants me to come up with a "Word of the Year". I have received pressure from many different sources. I read about it online and in magazines. I hear others talking about it as I stand in line at Starbucks for my coffee. I haven't really felt the importance of coming up with my "Word of the Year" until late last night.

I had some heart issues to deal with last night, and in the midst of everything, I heard this word....

BELIEVE.

Am I a believer? Well, sometimes. I believe in what I think is possible. I'm a realist too though, which leads me to NOT believe in things that don't seem like they could really happen. In other words, I often question what is truly possible.

This year I think God is calling me to a higher ground of BELIEVING. He is asking me to put my arms out wide and let go of any unbelief I have. He is wanting me to draw closer to Him and trust Him with circumstances that seem to me like a mountain, but to Him, nothing at all. He is bigger.

For almost three years now, we have debated on where we will live next. Will we stick with a subdivision or go back to property? J and I have always answered the same.

"Well, property is what I really want, but it's too expensive. We probably need to get used to the fact that our next home will be sweet, but it won't be on property."

BELIEVE! If property is the desire of BOTH of our hearts, then that's the page that the Lord has us both on for a good reason. To not believe that God can and WILL provide this desire is wrong of me. I am stagnant in my faith if I continue with this attitude. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! During these unfamiliar times of motherhood, while I doubt myself and my abilities to handle raising teen-aged boys into men.... BELIEVE that God is directing my steps. He is equipping me with every tool that I need.... As long as I continue to seek Him. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! Only God can heal us completely. No amount of medicines, surgeries and/or natural remedies surpasses the most awesome power of healing that comes from the Lord. He WILL heal. He will be the one to choose to heal our physical brokenness, or the brokenness of our hearts as we face change. As this word sinks deep into my soul, I need and WANT to believe that this mountain in front of me that seems SO big will get smaller if I just simply BELIEVE in the One who makes all things possible. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

So I guess I have fallen to the pressures of finding my "Word of the Year".... Except that I didn't find it, it found me...

... And I am grateful for this gift of a simple word.

Curve Ball!

Have you ever sat behind home plate at a baseball game and meticulously watched the balls being pitched in to the batter? Most of the time, those curve balls aren't realized until it's just too late. A really good curve ball stuns the batter and causes the crowd to become eerily quiet.

What just happened?

For the past couple of days, I have been processing a very big curve ball that just flew over the home plate.

We have been seeing doctors and physical therapists with Lucas for three months now. It took us until the middle of December to finally get an MRI ordered. On Friday, we received the results from that MRI. Every doctor and PT that we have seen has told us that an MRI wouldn't show anything. They were treating Lucas for "textbook" tennis elbow. Something inside Luke, and inside me told me it wasn't that though. We pushed for the MRI, and the MRI definitely showed something. It showed that Luke has what is called osteo chondritis dissecans in his right elbow. This is a rare bone condition that is a real game changer for Luke. As the doctor spelled out for me on the phone what this meant, he non-chalantly stated, "No baseball, no throwing, no pushing or pulling over 10 lbs. for at least three months, and then we will re-evaluate for possible surgery." He didn't even KNOW how this news would devastate my son (or even the rest of Luke's family). Baseball has been Luke's one true passion since he was FOUR! He hasn't been one of those kids to dabble in many sports. He has stayed completely loyal to his game, and it shows in his ability in playing the sport. I can honestly say that some of my best memories as a mom have included days and nights at the ball park watching my boy bust his moves on the diamond. I cannot tell you what it feels like at this very moment, knowing that will not happen this year. This curve ball is a nasty one!

My son is beside himself with disappointment. He is angry. He has questions. None of this makes sense. When I told him the news, I told him that I wanted him to feel all of these things. Knowing full well that God has allowed many curve balls to come across my plate before now, I assured him that anger would give way to other emotions. I took his hand in mine and told him that these times don't make any sense now, but I believe that someday, it would make more sense. That doesn't mean that the pain would go away. The pain will always stay fresh it seems. When the purpose is clearer though, the pain seems more bearable.

Lucas is such a strong young man. I learn from him every day. I know that he will be alright. Ultimately, he knows his identity doesn't lie in baseball. This is HUGE to him, but I believe that he knows that he has many other gifts just as strong, if not stronger, that God intends on using. I also believe that just like this curve ball came across our plate, a different kind of curve ball could find us too. God can heal him! We are praying for guidance as we seek the avenues we are to take with this, but we are praying for HEALING.... In the end, whatever the Lord does with this, we know that He has not changed. He is the same always.

There are no curve balls regarding who our Jesus is.

~ Malachi 3:6 ~
"I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob are not destroyed."

Digging Deep

He will will be seventeen in less than half a year. With the addition of a set of car keys in his pocket, his wings are getting wider. He's not one to look for excuses to leave the house. He likes it here, and he generally finds no reason to leave. BUT... then a text rings through the house. Some friends want to meet for bowling and movies tonight. He respectfully asks for permission, and even though my insides are screaming the opposite, his dad and I glance at each other and calmly lay out the rules and grant him the permission he was looking for. I go into heavy breathing mode and start my 48 hours of meditating and asking God for peace during this stage of motherhood. I have told my closest friends this stage is BY FAR the hardest of them all. This stage requires things from me that I have to really dig deep to find and maintain.

Yesterday I tried to explain my emotions to Lucas. I know that he won't completely understand it until he's going through it someday, but as we were taking the dogs on a walk down the canal yesterday, I was reminded of a story. Lucas has a golden retriever. Copper is now almost 5 years old. I remember years ago though, when we took Copper for his first run through the woods at the pond. Luke wanted to keep him on his leash. That's not the game that Copper came to play though. He came there to that little pond in the woods to explore a freedom he had never known before. He came to EXPLORE, to CONQUER, to RUN and feel the breezes blow through that beautiful long coat of his. J and I had to literally pry the leash out of Luke's hands as he protested, saying "Please... What if he runs away? What if he's too fast for us to catch? What if he doesn't come back when we call him?" We explained to Luke that these were all valid questions and thoughts, but we can't train him to do these things unless we give him the opportunities. If we love Copper, then we have to let him try. With a fear that gripped Luke like nothing I had really seen before, he took that leash and un-hooked it from his dog. Copper sat there for a few seconds. He did not instantly dart. He actually waited for Luke to tell him that it was okay to run. With that single command, Copper shot off like a bolt! He ran. He ran victoriously. He did lap upon lap around the pond that day. Each time he was called, he came back. He had no desire to run in any direction away from the boys. He wanted to run, but he wanted to run next to them. Well, maybe a little in front of them, but always looking back to see that they were right behind him. That was the first of many trips to the pond. Now we don't live near the pond, but we do live near a canal that runs along the canyon, and Copper LOVES to run along that canal jumping in and out of the water all along the way. I would say his happiest days are the days spent running along side of us... Without a leash.

I think Luke understood my heart a little better after reminding him of this story yesterday. Of course, he's a sixteen year old boy, so he didn't come out and say anything crazy like, "Okay Mom, I get it now." His face told me that he did though. After telling the story, I realized that I needed to hear it just as much as Lucas did. I needed to be reminded that my son is going through the normal stages of life right now, and so am I. My concerns are all valid concerns, but I will miss the opportunity of seeing Lucas find this new freedom if I try to hold him back. I have to trust above all, my Jesus. I have to trust that He is protecting Luke always. Then, I have to trust Luke. I have to know and be confident that he doesn't have any desire to run in the opposite direction of where I'm at. He wants to run beside me, or if ahead of me a bit, he will always be the kind of boy who looks back to check on his mom to make sure I'm still there. Luke has never been a sprinter. He's a slow and steady kind of guy. He will find freedom and that "breeze blowing through his hair" kind of feeling from an occasional trip out on his own. If I love this boy of mine, then I have to let him test these waters.

So... It's time for me to continue unravelling the leash. Over the past couple of years, I have been un-raveling, but now we're down to the last part. The part where I have to take that hook off and watch him use his new found freedom.

It's time to watch him run.