Coming Full Circle

Have you ever thought about what coming full circle means? I have heard this phrase spoken so many times in my life. It's one of those phrases that I have never really stopped to consider what it really means.

Today though, this phrase has been playing over and over like a broken record in my own head.

Years ago, I was at the top of my circle. Life was good. It was predictable and it was safe. I knew what to expect in my days. I knew who loved me, and I knew who saw my worth. I was young. I was a different person than I am today.

After traveling the circumference of this circle over these years, I have found myself once again at the top. This time, it looks much different.

Life is still very good, but it is not predictable. That's okay though. I have learned that. Predictability makes life boring. Getting up in the morning, reading my bible and having my everyday sweet conversations with Jesus about what the day holds for me is my preference now. He brings surprises sometimes... Surprises that shift life in all sorts of ways. At the end of the day though, He is the same. He is still holding me and guiding my feet and ways.

When compared to many others, my life has always been safe. I don't see that part changing. My opinion on what makes life safe has changed though. It's not the everyday things that make it safe. Life's safety does not depend on where I live, how much money I have, or who thinks I am a good person with worth in whatever area. I have safety in knowing Jesus and putting Him first. I have safety in following Him. I find safety in living my days out with my husband and my three precious gifts... My boys. Someday I may not witness their contagious smiles everyday like I do now. Someday they may choose to make their lives somewhere not close to me. I will rejoice with them! I will rejoice with them as they follow the path that the Lord has set before them. If they choose to travel far, it will not be easy, but I will still feel safe because my worth does not lie in them, and theirs does not lie in me. As we all grow up, we understand more about finding our worth in God alone. That is the safest place to be. The most beautiful place to be.

A little over a month ago, Lucas broke his hand at baseball practice. He was mid-season and he was doing fabulous! He had the highest batting average on the team and he consistently made good, solid outs at third base. His injury was a real shocker! His team's last game was last week. The night before the last game of the season he was visibly upset. I sat by his bed and we had a talk. He was disappointed because he really saw himself finishing up the season with his team. The finality of it all hit him hard. I shared that I was sad for him as well, BUT.... I witnessed things about him that I never would have otherwise.

I saw him come full circle.

Over the years, he has struggled to prove himself and his skills in the game of baseball. It seems that it's harder for the good guy to look like the winner. That title is often times mistakenly given to someone who really doesn't deserve it. Politics are usually to blame. This year though, Luke came out on top. His high school coach texted J late on the evening after Luke broke his hand. The text said that he was really disappointed about Luke's injury. He went on to say that not only was Luke on top as far as productivity in the game, but more than that, he was "good company". Judging by the text, J and I both thought the coach must have thought that Luke would just disappear into the sunset. He didn't. He went to EVERY practice and EVERY game after his break. He couldn't produce runs or outs, but he continued to produce a sense of team work through the use of his voice and his heart. Nobody (including Luke himself) would have seen this part of him without the injury. Luke was back on top of his game during this very last game of the season... And I believe he will continue to stay on top because of what he has learned in this process. He learned that his worth was not just in hitting and catching baseballs. His worth was SO much more!

For me, the top of the circle appears to be so much different than it ever has before. There are still so many uncertainties in my life. Really, there are more than there ever have been. God has shown me that the uncertainties don't matter.... Because the one thing that IS certain is my relationship with Jesus. It is stronger than it ever has been before! It is finally that house built upon the "Rock".

... And the view is amazing from up here.

Two Years

On Monday it will be two years since we made our journey down that big hill.

If someone would have told me what this journey would look like, I most likely would not have believed them.

Three moves in two years, making the transition from homeschooling mom to having children in both private and public schools, taking on a part time job that actually seems to be more like full time... These are just morsels of the ride we have been on.

There have been days of extreme beauty and also days of discouraging ugliness. Two years later though, I can see that all of these days have just been part of the mosaic. The Lord's mosaic.

My devotional today was titled ' The Lord's Surprise Visits'. How appropriate for the thoughts that are on my mind. I would like to share a part of this devotional.

"Jesus rarely comes where we expect Him; He appears where we least expect Him, and always in the most illogical situations. The only way a servant can remain true to God is to be ready for the Lord's surprise visits."

WOW! I have seen many of these surprise visits over the past two years. Some I was ready for, but sadly, some I was not.

Then it goes on to say...

" This readiness will not be brought about by service, but through intense spiritual reality, expecting Jesus Christ at every turn. This sense of expectation will give our life the attitude of childlike wonder He wants it to have."

How many of us are getting this part wrong? Readiness doesn't mean doing, it means being. Being WITH Him... Expecting Him to be WITH us!

This is, perhaps the largest piece of the mosaic for me. Understanding this has been a journey all in itself, but feeling it and living it have been new just recently.

I spend my first moments of each new day with Him. Before I even put my feet on the floor I am in conversation with my Jesus. This is not an act of service, it is my intense spiritual reality. I have always done daily devotions, but I have done them without routine. I have squeezed time with the Lord in my day wherever I thought it would fit. I am SO grateful that I have come to a new understanding of what kind of relationship I am to have with Jesus. I am not to "squeeze Him in".... I am to to squeeze everything else out until after I have started my day WITH Him and He WITH me!

I guess I could say that it took many days of discouragement, frustration and hurt to get to this new place. I could also say that I have had just as many days of joy, gratitude and smiles to get to this new place. I think that's the way the Lord planned this two year journey for me.

It has all been part of this very long unexpected, yet expected visit from The One who created me.

** Devotional quotations taken from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers

Living Water

He hands me a mug with Pooh Bear gracing it's front.

"It's not Tigger, we don't have one of those, but they are related, right? Have a good day."

He leans in for a kiss, and I am immediately reminded why I married this man. He is more than my husband, he is my friend... And a friend of God's.

John 4:11

"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?"

How deep is the well within me? If I were to draw from it, would the result be living water, or would it be water so stagnant that it had become filthy with rust and grime.

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately, and I have come to many answers. Most of them I do not like. Most of them point to a reflection in the water of someone who is not me.

If I were to allow God to do what He has set out to do, without complaining about it, without dreading everything about it, then the living water would flow again. It's sounds so simple, it's true.

But is it?

The thing about joy is... Sometimes you have to literally hunt for it. When you find that little sparkle of joy in something, then it can usually spread quickly into other things. Before we know it, the Eeyore in us has been banished and Tigger reigns!

When I struggle with current happenings, I can easily get caught up in my daily complaints. God isn't able to work through me during these times. I limit His capabilities when I complain and refuse to see what He is actually doing. Every ministry that I am a part of suffers during these times, but the one that saddens me the most is my lack of ministry to children. I am with them all day every day... And they're not just my own children anymore. These young people count on me to point them to the Lord. They need me to show them where and how to draw the living water.

I am praying myself through some times right now. Through his simple acts of kindness I am reminded that my husband prays for me too. I am praying that the Lord would help me to draw living water from the deepest depths. I am praying that if there is any muck down there, He will cleanse me of it and make the water pure and clean.

I love you, Jesus. I want to be your vessel. I want to be obedient to your call on my life without getting caught up in the complaints of what sometimes makes the calling so difficult. Please continue to speak to me and show me exactly what You want for me to see.... And nothing else.

Sounds of Home

Home is full of sounds again...

Rain pounds on the windows.

The laundry machines hum gently and consistently.

Worship music flows through the rooms, coming from the docking station upstairs.

Two boys are downstairs playing games.

The other boy sits next to me while I type. Any guess which boy? You are probably wrong.

It's been a long time...

A long time since we have all just "been here". Our days used to look much like this one. There were books piled on top of the dining room table, fresh coffee in the pot almost any hour of the day, crayons scattered about on the coffee table in the living room... Noises pouring from every nook and cranny of home.

Today is much more intentional though. It is not the "norm" anymore. I had to "create" this day. Luke is out of school for the entire week (what the school district calls ski week.... Weird), so I took the next two days off and took Colby and Caleb out of school too. We are here together to refresh.

There is much to be refreshed, but mostly my spirit. I have been grumpy, both at home and at the school. Grumpy is not who I am, so I figured it was time to take some time. I plan to spend much of this time talking to the Lord about balancing life. I want ME to re-surface again. I desire this grumpy, short (not in stature) and irritable person residing in me to completely disappear!

Admittedly so, my time with the Lord hasn't been what it should be lately. There have been a few projects at school that have required more effort, time and planning from me. Baseball season has started.  Three boys... All playing baseball this year = WOW! Enough said about that. My idea of time with the Lord has been rolling over at zero dark thirty, picking up my copy of 'My Utmost for his Highest' from my night stand and reading the days page. I quickly end it with prayer and move on to the shower. Sad, isn't it?

I have received my rude awakening. I have been reminded that I cannot make it through this life without Him. He is life. Simple as that. When I don't start my day WITH Him, little by little, I start to feel suffocated by this life. When I felt up to my neck in pain last week, I decided that I needed this time to re-unite... I guess a retreat of sorts.

I have spent the sweetest time during the past few days reuniting with my Father... My Daddy. He has accepted me firmly back into His grip. He never let go in the first place. I did. It is my prayer that I stay here. I pray that I remember where wandering gets me. I pray that I will be transformed after this time of retreat.

The sounds inside of my home bring joy to me. These sounds remind me of a sweet and simpler time. The sounds also remind me that there is purpose for new sounds now.... Or more commonly, a completely quiet and still house. The Lord has us where He wants us. It is my job to be where He wants me to be with the right attitude, the right spirit.

Thank you Lord, for this time of refreshment. Thank you for the sounds inside of my home... The sounds of yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Constant, Sovereign and Good

For some reason, Blogger won't let me write under the video that I just posted. So.... In order to view the video, you will need to scroll down a bit and push play. You will also need to pause the music at the bottom of the page. After all of this confusion... I write.

I heard this song on the radio as I drove my boys to school today. I am not at the school teaching because I have one home sick with the flu. I immediately knew upon hearing it that I wanted to write about it when I got home. The song is such an awesome reminder of so many things!

For me, the song spoke to my heart about being an average 42 year old woman. I am married, I have three children. I live in a small town just outside of suburbia. On most days, life is pretty predictable. However, some days feel much different.

Most days, being a wife feels very sweet. I feel like it is what God made me to be. On other days, it feels a bit lonely and dry. It seems desert like.

Most days, being a mom is an absolute blessing. Again, I feel like it what God made me to be. Then... On other days, it feels like I am out in a deep wide ocean, bearing the waves that come at me while they threaten to drown me.

Every day though HE is constant. HE is sovereign. HE is GOOD!

He knows about those desert places. He knows each wave by name. Not for ANY moment does He forsake me, His precious child. He desires to hold my hand as I travel through each and every spot here on this earth. He wants to hold my hand through the average and predictable days just as much as the days that present themselves as much harder. Sometimes we lose glimpse of that fact.

I woke up this morning to a very average day, yet it doesn't feel average at all. From the start, I knew it would be more. As I drew my bath water and sat in a tub of hot water to warm me to the insides, I saw the most beautiful bright morning moon from between the slats of wooden blinds above the bathtub. I knew then that God wanted to show me things today. He got my attention with that very simple moment.

My eyes are on Him. I FEEL his constance. I am aware of His Sovereignty. I see His goodness.

A Well Remembered Day

I remember it like it was yesterday.

As a little girl, I was told by my father to let him handle something with the adults. He instructed me to keep quiet... Not lie, just keep quiet. You see, we were attending a church camp for the week. After getting there, my father decided that we could not stay. There were reasons, but that I won't include in this story. In any case, Dad told my brother and I that IF we let him do the talking to the camp director, and we kept quiet, then we would leave the camp and he would take us to the zoo the next day since he felt badly about leaving camp early. What child doesn't want to stay at church camp? I wasn't happy about not staying.

We went to breakfast at the dining hall that morning, and then after breakfast our family stepped outside  with the Camp Director to break the news that we wouldn't stay. I stood there trying with all of my might not to open my big mouth and blurt out the reason why we were leaving.

Ugh.... It was too much for my little 10-ish year old brain to handle. I spilled the beans. Right there in front of my whole family, I stood there and let it all fly.

After my parents' initial shock, they escorted my brother and I to our family station wagon. We piled in, and started our two plus hour trek home... In utter silence. Not a word was spoken that whole way home. I REALLY do remember it all. It is my most vivid child hood memory. Perhaps because I really learned something that day.

We arrived home, and as we pulled into our driveway, the silence was broken. Dad said there would be no trip to the zoo after all. All of a sudden, not only did I have my own anger issues to deal with, but I was also faced with a VERY angry brother who blamed me for the whole thing. I guess I was the only one to blame though.

I sat in my room the entire day. I never came out. I kept expecting that at some time during the day, my father would come to my door and say something like, "Okay, I can see you have learned your lesson. We will go to the zoo now."

Problem was, the lesson could only be learned if my father kept his word, and that he did. There was no trip to the zoo.

We had a very similar experience in our house this past weekend. We were supposed to go skiing, but due to some behavioral issues from all three of the boys, we had to inform them that we would not be going. They were pretty upset to say the least. They all three went straight to their rooms where they wound up camping out and eventually fell asleep at a very early hour (like 6pm early). The scenario immediately reminded me of my own child hood story. I thought back, and I gained new perspective.

As much as it hurt me that day to have my trip to the zoo taken away... As much as it angered me and made me feel that life "just isn't fair"... It hurt my parents more. They were probably disappointed in me greatly and they more than likely wondered why I chose to make the wrong decision. Why did I choose disobedience? What had they done wrong that hadn't encouraged me to make to right decision?

I went to bed the other night with all of these questions racing through my mind. After much thought and prayer... I came to one realization. The Lord asks Himself these things constantly, and I am one of those who prompts these questions. I run off stomping my feet, thinking that things aren't fair, and He wonders, "Child, are you learning anything in this? Are you stopping and quieting yourself long enough to see where you made your mistakes?"

I learned a lesson that day thirty some odd years ago. It is a lesson that has stuck with me and remained strong in my mind. Strong enough for me to use even this past weekend with my own three children. It really stunk not being able to go skiing this weekend. It was a beautiful day, and I'm sure the conditions were near perfect, but were they?

The conditions needed some guidance and room for improvement. When we DO go (hopefully soon), we will go with a much deeper understanding of the purpose of discipline. We will ALL go with a much different mind set than what we would have had if we would have given in to bad behavior. Stories from the present, and stories of the past have a way of making me see clearer... With better perspective and understanding of who Jesus is and what He wants for me and for my family.