All Is Grace

In the end, that's exactly what it is... All grace.

Everyday I make decisions. Some are good, some are bad. I hesitated there for a minute... I didn't want to type "bad". I wanted to put "not so good", but really... Some decisions are bad.

Everyday I respond to life. As I age, I try to respond in more responsible, glorifying ways. Admittedly, I am getting better, but still... Sometimes I really fail at responding to life in a way that is pleasing to others and ultimately, to Jesus.

Everyday I simply mess up. My mess ups aren't always evident to others. A lot of times, my mess ups occur inside of my own heart. I catch myself thinking about something or someone in a way that is NOT positive. People hurt people, and my way of dealing with it a lot of times is to bury it. If my hurt is caused by the same person/people consistently, I bury it. Almost always, I try going to that person and sharing my heart to begin with, but too many failed attempts at being heard cause me to start digging and burying.

I have heard words lately that sting to the core.

All Is Grace.

Jesus extends this grace to me everyday. He pours it over me in all of my decisions, responses, and mess ups. He never stops. He doesn't bury my failures. He covers them. A long time ago He covered them literally with His own blood, and today? Today He continues to do the same.

My heart is heavy with the fact that a lot of times I am not so good at offering grace to others who deserve it no less than I do. Did you catch that? I wrote "not so good". No.... I really SUCK at it a lot of times. I justify in my own head that I have offered up that person's limit of grace. Their grace bank is empty... Moving on now. Time to bury and move on.

Do I want to be someone known for this character? Absolutely not! This is an area of my life that needs refining. I have gone here before too. It's a painful place. I have asked the Lord to improve my character in certain places, and He always does. He can't do it without supplying plenty of opportunities though. I am in the middle of that right now. I am in the refiner's fire, and it is painful.

Grace is here though. It is here to be received. It is here to be extended and to be poured over others.

All IS grace... And grace is all.

BELIEVE

There seems to be this bug going around that wants me to come up with a "Word of the Year". I have received pressure from many different sources. I read about it online and in magazines. I hear others talking about it as I stand in line at Starbucks for my coffee. I haven't really felt the importance of coming up with my "Word of the Year" until late last night.

I had some heart issues to deal with last night, and in the midst of everything, I heard this word....

BELIEVE.

Am I a believer? Well, sometimes. I believe in what I think is possible. I'm a realist too though, which leads me to NOT believe in things that don't seem like they could really happen. In other words, I often question what is truly possible.

This year I think God is calling me to a higher ground of BELIEVING. He is asking me to put my arms out wide and let go of any unbelief I have. He is wanting me to draw closer to Him and trust Him with circumstances that seem to me like a mountain, but to Him, nothing at all. He is bigger.

For almost three years now, we have debated on where we will live next. Will we stick with a subdivision or go back to property? J and I have always answered the same.

"Well, property is what I really want, but it's too expensive. We probably need to get used to the fact that our next home will be sweet, but it won't be on property."

BELIEVE! If property is the desire of BOTH of our hearts, then that's the page that the Lord has us both on for a good reason. To not believe that God can and WILL provide this desire is wrong of me. I am stagnant in my faith if I continue with this attitude. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! During these unfamiliar times of motherhood, while I doubt myself and my abilities to handle raising teen-aged boys into men.... BELIEVE that God is directing my steps. He is equipping me with every tool that I need.... As long as I continue to seek Him. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! Only God can heal us completely. No amount of medicines, surgeries and/or natural remedies surpasses the most awesome power of healing that comes from the Lord. He WILL heal. He will be the one to choose to heal our physical brokenness, or the brokenness of our hearts as we face change. As this word sinks deep into my soul, I need and WANT to believe that this mountain in front of me that seems SO big will get smaller if I just simply BELIEVE in the One who makes all things possible. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

So I guess I have fallen to the pressures of finding my "Word of the Year".... Except that I didn't find it, it found me...

... And I am grateful for this gift of a simple word.

Curve Ball!

Have you ever sat behind home plate at a baseball game and meticulously watched the balls being pitched in to the batter? Most of the time, those curve balls aren't realized until it's just too late. A really good curve ball stuns the batter and causes the crowd to become eerily quiet.

What just happened?

For the past couple of days, I have been processing a very big curve ball that just flew over the home plate.

We have been seeing doctors and physical therapists with Lucas for three months now. It took us until the middle of December to finally get an MRI ordered. On Friday, we received the results from that MRI. Every doctor and PT that we have seen has told us that an MRI wouldn't show anything. They were treating Lucas for "textbook" tennis elbow. Something inside Luke, and inside me told me it wasn't that though. We pushed for the MRI, and the MRI definitely showed something. It showed that Luke has what is called osteo chondritis dissecans in his right elbow. This is a rare bone condition that is a real game changer for Luke. As the doctor spelled out for me on the phone what this meant, he non-chalantly stated, "No baseball, no throwing, no pushing or pulling over 10 lbs. for at least three months, and then we will re-evaluate for possible surgery." He didn't even KNOW how this news would devastate my son (or even the rest of Luke's family). Baseball has been Luke's one true passion since he was FOUR! He hasn't been one of those kids to dabble in many sports. He has stayed completely loyal to his game, and it shows in his ability in playing the sport. I can honestly say that some of my best memories as a mom have included days and nights at the ball park watching my boy bust his moves on the diamond. I cannot tell you what it feels like at this very moment, knowing that will not happen this year. This curve ball is a nasty one!

My son is beside himself with disappointment. He is angry. He has questions. None of this makes sense. When I told him the news, I told him that I wanted him to feel all of these things. Knowing full well that God has allowed many curve balls to come across my plate before now, I assured him that anger would give way to other emotions. I took his hand in mine and told him that these times don't make any sense now, but I believe that someday, it would make more sense. That doesn't mean that the pain would go away. The pain will always stay fresh it seems. When the purpose is clearer though, the pain seems more bearable.

Lucas is such a strong young man. I learn from him every day. I know that he will be alright. Ultimately, he knows his identity doesn't lie in baseball. This is HUGE to him, but I believe that he knows that he has many other gifts just as strong, if not stronger, that God intends on using. I also believe that just like this curve ball came across our plate, a different kind of curve ball could find us too. God can heal him! We are praying for guidance as we seek the avenues we are to take with this, but we are praying for HEALING.... In the end, whatever the Lord does with this, we know that He has not changed. He is the same always.

There are no curve balls regarding who our Jesus is.

~ Malachi 3:6 ~
"I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob are not destroyed."

Digging Deep

He will will be seventeen in less than half a year. With the addition of a set of car keys in his pocket, his wings are getting wider. He's not one to look for excuses to leave the house. He likes it here, and he generally finds no reason to leave. BUT... then a text rings through the house. Some friends want to meet for bowling and movies tonight. He respectfully asks for permission, and even though my insides are screaming the opposite, his dad and I glance at each other and calmly lay out the rules and grant him the permission he was looking for. I go into heavy breathing mode and start my 48 hours of meditating and asking God for peace during this stage of motherhood. I have told my closest friends this stage is BY FAR the hardest of them all. This stage requires things from me that I have to really dig deep to find and maintain.

Yesterday I tried to explain my emotions to Lucas. I know that he won't completely understand it until he's going through it someday, but as we were taking the dogs on a walk down the canal yesterday, I was reminded of a story. Lucas has a golden retriever. Copper is now almost 5 years old. I remember years ago though, when we took Copper for his first run through the woods at the pond. Luke wanted to keep him on his leash. That's not the game that Copper came to play though. He came there to that little pond in the woods to explore a freedom he had never known before. He came to EXPLORE, to CONQUER, to RUN and feel the breezes blow through that beautiful long coat of his. J and I had to literally pry the leash out of Luke's hands as he protested, saying "Please... What if he runs away? What if he's too fast for us to catch? What if he doesn't come back when we call him?" We explained to Luke that these were all valid questions and thoughts, but we can't train him to do these things unless we give him the opportunities. If we love Copper, then we have to let him try. With a fear that gripped Luke like nothing I had really seen before, he took that leash and un-hooked it from his dog. Copper sat there for a few seconds. He did not instantly dart. He actually waited for Luke to tell him that it was okay to run. With that single command, Copper shot off like a bolt! He ran. He ran victoriously. He did lap upon lap around the pond that day. Each time he was called, he came back. He had no desire to run in any direction away from the boys. He wanted to run, but he wanted to run next to them. Well, maybe a little in front of them, but always looking back to see that they were right behind him. That was the first of many trips to the pond. Now we don't live near the pond, but we do live near a canal that runs along the canyon, and Copper LOVES to run along that canal jumping in and out of the water all along the way. I would say his happiest days are the days spent running along side of us... Without a leash.

I think Luke understood my heart a little better after reminding him of this story yesterday. Of course, he's a sixteen year old boy, so he didn't come out and say anything crazy like, "Okay Mom, I get it now." His face told me that he did though. After telling the story, I realized that I needed to hear it just as much as Lucas did. I needed to be reminded that my son is going through the normal stages of life right now, and so am I. My concerns are all valid concerns, but I will miss the opportunity of seeing Lucas find this new freedom if I try to hold him back. I have to trust above all, my Jesus. I have to trust that He is protecting Luke always. Then, I have to trust Luke. I have to know and be confident that he doesn't have any desire to run in the opposite direction of where I'm at. He wants to run beside me, or if ahead of me a bit, he will always be the kind of boy who looks back to check on his mom to make sure I'm still there. Luke has never been a sprinter. He's a slow and steady kind of guy. He will find freedom and that "breeze blowing through his hair" kind of feeling from an occasional trip out on his own. If I love this boy of mine, then I have to let him test these waters.

So... It's time for me to continue unravelling the leash. Over the past couple of years, I have been un-raveling, but now we're down to the last part. The part where I have to take that hook off and watch him use his new found freedom.

It's time to watch him run.

Merry Christmas!

So I have started this letter no less than a half dozen times. Should I go traditional? What about trying something a bit more creative? People receive SO many of these letters each year around Christmas time.... Do they REALLY read them? Last year we sent our cards without a letter, and boy did we hear about that! I guess people really DO read them. Chances are, if YOU are here, you are one of the ones who gets really serious about these letters since you actually had to make your fingers take you here.

So... Get comfortable.

Grab a cup of coffee and one of those homemade cookies out of the tin that the neighbor left at your door step.... Read on about the Gray family and our highlights (and some low) of 2013.

Luke played JV baseball for his high school team this past spring. He had a great season, with lots of great plays and hits that earned him the position of one of their top performers. The coaches came up with some great nicknames for him, and even some names for the plays he would make at third base. Unfortunately, his season was cut short due to his hand getting broken at one of their practices. He impressed his team, his coaches, and most of all his parents with his remarkable ability to pick up the pieces and keep going. He attended every practice and game, even with a cast up to his elbow. At the end of the season, Luke walked away a better person, and he even earned himself the coaches award.
Lucas turned 16 this year. You know what that means. Car keys... Insurance rates going up... Mama's nerves being shot more than usual. Ugh. He has been quite busy saving money for a long time, and it paid off. He bought his first car (actually, a truck) just two short weeks before he acquired his license. Our little boy has become a man.

Colby started high school this last fall. We were so proud of him as he went out for the high school soccer team, up against a record high amount of other young men. He made it onto the team and had a great season. It was quite a huge deal to begin playing high school sports and start high school all at the same time. He did remarkably well! This spring, he will be playing golf for the high school team. For the first week or so, he followed close behind big brother, but it wasn't long before he spread his wings and found his own"people" to hang out with. Colby continues to do well in his academics. He studies hard and earns the respect of his teachers. We have also witnessed Colby becoming stronger in his faith as we started attending a new church that has a fantastic youth program that Colby has really sunk his teeth into. We learned just today that a friend at school who is not a believer texted Colby to ask him to pray for him as he is going through some tough things. God is using this boy of ours... Just like I always knew He would.

Caleb is in the sixth grade this year. He is actually one of my students. Before I took the full time position, I made sure to ask him how he felt about having me as his full time teacher outside of home. He welcomed the idea, and he tells me almost daily that he's so glad that I'm his teacher. Mmmm... my heart purrs. Caleb played baseball too this year. It had been many years since he had played this sport, but he made the decision to come back to it, and he did GREAT! He played the regular little league season, and he also played during the fall season. We were glad for the opportunity for him to "catch up" a little before heading into another spring season. The highlight of Caleb's year was becoming the proud owner of a new puppy. "Chief" joined our family in June. Caleb saved his money, searched Craigslist and ultimately "reserved" his new dog all on his own.  Chief and Caleb are inseparable. It's true what they say.... There really is nothing else like the vision of a boy with his very own dog. Very sweet...

Jason and I are doing well too. We celebrated 21 years of marriage in September. Actually, due to busier lives, we REALLY celebrated in November since that was the first weekend we had to get away. We went to one of our favorite spots at the beach and just spent time being together. You know that you're married to your best friend when you truly enjoy just sitting in the car alone together through bay area traffic! In September we lost a very close friend due to medical complications. It was an unexpected death, and it was extremely hard on all five of us. God uses these times though to strengthen our love for each other, and to remind us of what is important, and what is not. Being parents to three young men presents many occasions to speak into their lives about just that... Especially in these days of social media and areas that used to be black and white becoming more grey. Since there is no manual, I am happy to have this man by my side to make decisions with and offer support. God willing, we will be buying our next home this spring. This will begin a new chapter in "us", and we are both excited to read it's pages.

All in all, we are blessed. We are blessed by relationship with each other, and we are blessed by the love and friendships of YOU! We hope that during this special season of celebrating the birth of Christ, you are also feeling genuinely blessed. There is always much to be thankful for....

Warm wishes

and hugs,

Jason, Tami, Lucas, Colby and Caleb

A Piece of Me

I have been reminded lately that I don't write here anymore. At least... Not very much.

Yesterday I took a few moments and went back to read a couple of old posts. I told J the other night that I need a "billboard" regarding some hard issues right now. I remembered that I had thought that very same thing in the past, and I wrote about it here. I searched and found the post. In the midst of doing that, I read through a few other old posts. As I read, I felt like pieces of me were finding their way back to me. I don't write much anymore, but not because that instinct in me has changed. I just haven't made the time to.

God has blessed me with the opportunity to teach a whole class of 5th and 6th graders this year. In addition to that, I am continuing to teach 7th and 8th grade Language Arts. I am enjoying what I'm doing, and finding the rewards almost every day. I won't lie though. It's been difficult to learn the art of balancing it all. Recently, I have felt like I found that balance. Until I read those posts yesterday.

Writing is important to me. It has been a big part of me since I was 13 years old. I still have every handwritten journal that I ever wrote in before I started to type here six years ago. Writing helps me focus my thoughts and process what's going on in my mind and heart. Without putting all of my thoughts into paragraphs, the thoughts stay inside my head and float around all messy like. They clutter me until they spill. Sometimes they don't spill in a way that I {or anyone else} find a positive way. I guess you could say that writing has been cheap therapy for a long time. That is why I must make my fingers familiar here again. The piece of me that wandered off found it's way back yesterday, and I feel the words coming to my fingers faster than I can possible type.

We are just a few short months away from buying our next home. The thought stays close to the front of my brain, but I am not obsessed with it the way that I thought I would be by this time. That surprises me, and yet it does not. We moved down the hill almost three years ago, and God has taken me places that I remember asking Him not to take me, but He did anyhow. Why? Well, as I read the story of Ruth and Naomi this morning to my class of 5/6th grade children, I was reminded of why. The Lord wanted to show me that I was capable of walking into my new home three years later not as a bitter person, but as a woman of great faith. He knows what this new home will be like. He knows where it will be, and He knows the day that I will open it's doors with my own key for the very first time. I know none of this. When I began this journey three years ago, I began it with faith, but if I'm going to be honest, I will tell you that a great deal of bitterness crept in along the way. There were days when I was screaming {wailing} inside because it hurt so much. The fear of the unknowns have at times crippled me. God is good though. He has always provided. He has always been faithful to show me the gifts along this road. He has grown me in areas that were needing Him to come in and do a complete renovation job!

This next gift of a home will be so sweet. I cannot wait to record here all of the thoughts and emotions that our family will experience as we take this next step. For today though, I am glad that God has brought me back to these pages. I am grateful for the growth that I have felt from the beginning of this journey until THIS day. I am overjoyed that God wiped my heart clean of bitterness and filled it instead with a sense of anticipation of what He will do next with my life.

My heart has always been one that longs for home, but over these past three years, my heart has found it's "Forever home" in Christ and Christ Alone.