Thursday, January 23, 2014


There seems to be this bug going around that wants me to come up with a "Word of the Year". I have received pressure from many different sources. I read about it online and in magazines. I hear others talking about it as I stand in line at Starbucks for my coffee. I haven't really felt the importance of coming up with my "Word of the Year" until late last night.

I had some heart issues to deal with last night, and in the midst of everything, I heard this word....


Am I a believer? Well, sometimes. I believe in what I think is possible. I'm a realist too though, which leads me to NOT believe in things that don't seem like they could really happen. In other words, I often question what is truly possible.

This year I think God is calling me to a higher ground of BELIEVING. He is asking me to put my arms out wide and let go of any unbelief I have. He is wanting me to draw closer to Him and trust Him with circumstances that seem to me like a mountain, but to Him, nothing at all. He is bigger.

For almost three years now, we have debated on where we will live next. Will we stick with a subdivision or go back to property? J and I have always answered the same.

"Well, property is what I really want, but it's too expensive. We probably need to get used to the fact that our next home will be sweet, but it won't be on property."

BELIEVE! If property is the desire of BOTH of our hearts, then that's the page that the Lord has us both on for a good reason. To not believe that God can and WILL provide this desire is wrong of me. I am stagnant in my faith if I continue with this attitude. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! During these unfamiliar times of motherhood, while I doubt myself and my abilities to handle raising teen-aged boys into men.... BELIEVE that God is directing my steps. He is equipping me with every tool that I need.... As long as I continue to seek Him. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

BELIEVE! Only God can heal us completely. No amount of medicines, surgeries and/or natural remedies surpasses the most awesome power of healing that comes from the Lord. He WILL heal. He will be the one to choose to heal our physical brokenness, or the brokenness of our hearts as we face change. As this word sinks deep into my soul, I need and WANT to believe that this mountain in front of me that seems SO big will get smaller if I just simply BELIEVE in the One who makes all things possible. BELIEVE and pray... The Lord will do the rest.

So I guess I have fallen to the pressures of finding my "Word of the Year".... Except that I didn't find it, it found me...

... And I am grateful for this gift of a simple word.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Curve Ball!

Have you ever sat behind home plate at a baseball game and meticulously watched the balls being pitched in to the batter? Most of the time, those curve balls aren't realized until it's just too late. A really good curve ball stuns the batter and causes the crowd to become eerily quiet.

What just happened?

For the past couple of days, I have been processing a very big curve ball that just flew over the home plate.

We have been seeing doctors and physical therapists with Lucas for three months now. It took us until the middle of December to finally get an MRI ordered. On Friday, we received the results from that MRI. Every doctor and PT that we have seen has told us that an MRI wouldn't show anything. They were treating Lucas for "textbook" tennis elbow. Something inside Luke, and inside me told me it wasn't that though. We pushed for the MRI, and the MRI definitely showed something. It showed that Luke has what is called osteo chondritis dissecans in his right elbow. This is a rare bone condition that is a real game changer for Luke. As the doctor spelled out for me on the phone what this meant, he non-chalantly stated, "No baseball, no throwing, no pushing or pulling over 10 lbs. for at least three months, and then we will re-evaluate for possible surgery." He didn't even KNOW how this news would devastate my son (or even the rest of Luke's family). Baseball has been Luke's one true passion since he was FOUR! He hasn't been one of those kids to dabble in many sports. He has stayed completely loyal to his game, and it shows in his ability in playing the sport. I can honestly say that some of my best memories as a mom have included days and nights at the ball park watching my boy bust his moves on the diamond. I cannot tell you what it feels like at this very moment, knowing that will not happen this year. This curve ball is a nasty one!

My son is beside himself with disappointment. He is angry. He has questions. None of this makes sense. When I told him the news, I told him that I wanted him to feel all of these things. Knowing full well that God has allowed many curve balls to come across my plate before now, I assured him that anger would give way to other emotions. I took his hand in mine and told him that these times don't make any sense now, but I believe that someday, it would make more sense. That doesn't mean that the pain would go away. The pain will always stay fresh it seems. When the purpose is clearer though, the pain seems more bearable.

Lucas is such a strong young man. I learn from him every day. I know that he will be alright. Ultimately, he knows his identity doesn't lie in baseball. This is HUGE to him, but I believe that he knows that he has many other gifts just as strong, if not stronger, that God intends on using. I also believe that just like this curve ball came across our plate, a different kind of curve ball could find us too. God can heal him! We are praying for guidance as we seek the avenues we are to take with this, but we are praying for HEALING.... In the end, whatever the Lord does with this, we know that He has not changed. He is the same always.

There are no curve balls regarding who our Jesus is.

~ Malachi 3:6 ~
"I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob are not destroyed."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Digging Deep

He will will be seventeen in less than half a year. With the addition of a set of car keys in his pocket, his wings are getting wider. He's not one to look for excuses to leave the house. He likes it here, and he generally finds no reason to leave. BUT... then a text rings through the house. Some friends want to meet for bowling and movies tonight. He respectfully asks for permission, and even though my insides are screaming the opposite, his dad and I glance at each other and calmly lay out the rules and grant him the permission he was looking for. I go into heavy breathing mode and start my 48 hours of meditating and asking God for peace during this stage of motherhood. I have told my closest friends this stage is BY FAR the hardest of them all. This stage requires things from me that I have to really dig deep to find and maintain.

Yesterday I tried to explain my emotions to Lucas. I know that he won't completely understand it until he's going through it someday, but as we were taking the dogs on a walk down the canal yesterday, I was reminded of a story. Lucas has a golden retriever. Copper is now almost 5 years old. I remember years ago though, when we took Copper for his first run through the woods at the pond. Luke wanted to keep him on his leash. That's not the game that Copper came to play though. He came there to that little pond in the woods to explore a freedom he had never known before. He came to EXPLORE, to CONQUER, to RUN and feel the breezes blow through that beautiful long coat of his. J and I had to literally pry the leash out of Luke's hands as he protested, saying "Please... What if he runs away? What if he's too fast for us to catch? What if he doesn't come back when we call him?" We explained to Luke that these were all valid questions and thoughts, but we can't train him to do these things unless we give him the opportunities. If we love Copper, then we have to let him try. With a fear that gripped Luke like nothing I had really seen before, he took that leash and un-hooked it from his dog. Copper sat there for a few seconds. He did not instantly dart. He actually waited for Luke to tell him that it was okay to run. With that single command, Copper shot off like a bolt! He ran. He ran victoriously. He did lap upon lap around the pond that day. Each time he was called, he came back. He had no desire to run in any direction away from the boys. He wanted to run, but he wanted to run next to them. Well, maybe a little in front of them, but always looking back to see that they were right behind him. That was the first of many trips to the pond. Now we don't live near the pond, but we do live near a canal that runs along the canyon, and Copper LOVES to run along that canal jumping in and out of the water all along the way. I would say his happiest days are the days spent running along side of us... Without a leash.

I think Luke understood my heart a little better after reminding him of this story yesterday. Of course, he's a sixteen year old boy, so he didn't come out and say anything crazy like, "Okay Mom, I get it now." His face told me that he did though. After telling the story, I realized that I needed to hear it just as much as Lucas did. I needed to be reminded that my son is going through the normal stages of life right now, and so am I. My concerns are all valid concerns, but I will miss the opportunity of seeing Lucas find this new freedom if I try to hold him back. I have to trust above all, my Jesus. I have to trust that He is protecting Luke always. Then, I have to trust Luke. I have to know and be confident that he doesn't have any desire to run in the opposite direction of where I'm at. He wants to run beside me, or if ahead of me a bit, he will always be the kind of boy who looks back to check on his mom to make sure I'm still there. Luke has never been a sprinter. He's a slow and steady kind of guy. He will find freedom and that "breeze blowing through his hair" kind of feeling from an occasional trip out on his own. If I love this boy of mine, then I have to let him test these waters.

So... It's time for me to continue unravelling the leash. Over the past couple of years, I have been un-raveling, but now we're down to the last part. The part where I have to take that hook off and watch him use his new found freedom.

It's time to watch him run.