Tuesday, March 27, 2012


After a very busy weekend, my Colby sat at the computer typing away. His fingers seemed to punctuate every key. He typed with something different about him. I didn't know what he was typing, and I waited until he was done to ask. The rest of us sat just feet away on our big couch... Snuggled in for the night. Colby finished typing and printed his paper. He then began to reach for his back pack to put his final project away. I stopped him.

"Colby, what have you been working on?" I asked.

"Oh, it's just my testimony that I'm supposed to hand in this week."

His teacher, who is also a very good friend of mine had shared with me that she had asked her class to really think about their own personal testimony and then write it up. She didn't want this to be something they rushed through or took lightly. She wanted them to really FEEL that they knew their relationships with the Lord... Where it started and where it is going. I was immediately filled with anticipation of what my son would write. I never stopped to consider that he would feel hesitation about letting me read it.

"Can I read it, Cole?"

"Mom, it's kind of personal. I don't know."

I didn't want to push, but I also wanted him to feel stretched. I explained that I believe that sharing our testimonies is something that I feel God calls us all to do. They are personal, but a part of us that is meant to be shared with others. I told him that I think it would be great if all five of us did this same project at home and shared with each other.

He came to my side and handed me the paper. I read those words, and my eyes could not stay dry. My 12 year old son GETS IT! He understood exactly what this assignment was about and he wrote with such authenticity. I could actually hear his sweet voice as I read the words. He shared about the day he asked Jesus to be his Savior and then he shared about his relationship with him today. He shared his joys and his struggles. It was BEAUTIFUL!

We are so blessed to have Colby and Caleb attending the school where they are at. They are both being challenged academically, but the spiritual challenge is where I see the most reward. Their teachers are both wonderful women who love the Lord with all of their hearts and they take their job as shepherds more seriously than any other job that they are supposed to accomplish in one year's time.

Colby's testimony spoke to his Mama's heart. He reminded me that even in our struggles, joy awaits us. The Lord is always teaching... Always directing. Are my hands open and laid out before Him? Is my mind willing? Are my feet ready to go?

The desire of my heart is to always answer YES to these questions... In Spirit, mind and body. I am to never keep this personal, but I am to wear this attitude EVERYday.

Monday, March 19, 2012

His plan, Not Mine

It's been a tough couple of weeks. I haven't wanted to come here and write because I honestly haven't felt like I had much positive to say... Even after that last post that so many found uplifting. I guess this proves I'm human.... Not perfect in any way after all. I still feel everything that I wrote about last. None of that was made up or written so to sound like someone I am not. In life there is an eb and flow. I experience both all the time.

I have written here before that sometimes the Lord puts just one single word on my heart and in my head. I used to pray that God would send me billboards that would clearly direct me on my path. I have learned that these words that He gives me are my billboards. I am grateful and humbled each time I receive them. With that being said, my latest billboard is "plan".

I have heard it in song, I have heard it and read it in scripture a lot lately, and yesterday I heard it in my pastor's message.

Many, O Lord, my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell them, they would be too many to declare. ~ Psalm 40:5

My life is but one big blue print.... But not one drawn up by myself. I try to speak with such authority sometimes regarding the things that seem unfair right now.... Things that I do not like. Things that make me completely unhappy. I have let depression not only knock at my door, but I have let it through the door. How easily I forget.

I forget about pain experienced in the past that has brought me to where I am now. I forget about how throughout my entire life, the Lord has blessed me abundantly! I forget that my plan is not his plan. Not only that, but His plan is ALWAYS the better one!!

My prayer on this day and in these days ahead is that I will not forget any longer. I am praying for an attitude change that is clearly felt on the inside and visible on the outside. I no longer want to be a slave to my plan, but I DO want to serve my family and this life according to God's plan. I want to serve with gratitude and a willing heart, knowing that the desires of my heart are not unknown to Him. My desires, as long as they are with right motive, are important to the Lord. I know this and therefore I can let go of the control. I can stop trying to lead my way, and follow His lead in ALL things.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Diamond in the Rough

So here we are... In what we have affectionately come to call our "glorified apartment". It is pretty much just that. It has officially been one month since our move. I purposely waited a month to sit and gather my thoughts about it and write. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to just use my keyboard here to type out a million and one complaints.

Everyday that I spend here, I find many things that draw me away. I admitted to my hubby over the weekend that it has been a challenge for me to find reasons (other than my work) to NOT be home. It's easy for me to become a little depressed about it I guess. That, and it's just so small. Copper and I constantly struggle with each other for space to move around during the day when there are no other bodies but me and the furry ones.

But then the boys come home... Everything changes.

My attitude becomes a bit sunnier and it feels like home. The house suddenly erupts with laughter and activity. It feels good.

There are things about this house that are weird. Things that are broken, with no future of being repaired. The dining room has no light. We stuck a floor lamp next to the table, but the ceilings are vaulted in there, so the floor lamp doesn't help much. In the middle of my dining room table there now sits a big candle. We have candle lit dinners every night now. It's actually become pretty sweet. the younger boys race to the candle every night in hopes that they will be the one that gets to play with fire. Our dinner time has become more relaxed and we linger a bit longer. Is it the candle? I am able to see and feel the gift in having no light in the dining room.

About a week after we moved in the dishwasher broke. The land lord has no plans to have it fixed or have it replaced. Soooo..... That means Dawn (as in liquid dish soap) and I have become the best of friends. She and I stand at the sink several times a day and have therapy sessions. There's something about washing dishes by hand. Seriously. It is so cleansing, on many levels. I traveled through the stages of grief over losing my dishwasher, but in the end I am ALMOST grateful for this inconvenience during this stage of life.

Every night I get to hear my boys talking and laughing from their tiny dorm. They are so funny, these boys. They are growing and changing so fast. Because of the limited vastness of this place, I don't feel like I miss anything. I see it all. I AM grateful for that... SO GRATEFUL!

The television isn't on hardly at all these days. There are more books on the coffee table and there are board games lying about. There is music coming from the piano and the guitars. This "glorified apartment" has become more like our summer cottage. Where we all come at the end of the day to just be. Be here... Be together. This house, I have come to appreciate, is refining us. Who could ask for more than that?

When we move out and into our God willing "final home" before GOING home, we will be better because of this place with no dining room light, no dishwasher, and limited space. Our family will have more connection. We will know each other like never before.

Thank you, Lord... For this Diamond in the Rough.