Sunday, October 26, 2014

From The Dust

While you sit there waiting... Watching, hearing, saying the name of Jesus a million times in your head as well as aloud, it's hard to believe that anything with purpose or beauty will come of this day.

But as sure as I am here typing these words on this day, I know that God will bring beauty from the dust.

Two days ago a man a woman with what seems like nothing but violence on their minds blew through our town. It started a county away, and ended right here, less than a block away from where my oldest was sitting in a dark, motionless, and silent room on school lockdown. Scary day.

There is no preparation for getting that computerized phone call informing you that your child is in danger. There is no preparation for that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach while your husband is out in the thick of it all with all of the many other law enforcement officers. The panic hits hard. All of the many times that you have told yourself that you can be still and know that He is in control comes down to this moment, and failure is once again the winner.

Two days ago two deputies lost their lives. Two wives, two sets of children, two sets of parents, siblings, etc. were met with the reality that their loved one wasn't coming through the door at the end of their shift. My heart is heavy with this reality. My head is spinning with the truth that I have been spared from this sort of tragedy for over 22 years.

My son was held in that dark classroom for over four hours. His class was told that they were the closest to where this dangerously armed man was, so they had to remain completely silent for the entire time to avoid further danger. I texted him several times, each time he sounded completely at rest... Without any type of worry. Thankfully, that gene of mine skipped him. He was confident. He was untouched by what was really happening. I didn't realize what a blessing to me that was until yesterday. As a mother, the last thing you want to do is send your child into danger. You don't want to think that anywhere they go that is supposed to be safe will turn un-safe. You hate to picture your child being afraid... at all. Through the texts from my son, I was also spared from feeling that he was fearful of the danger occurring right outside the door of his classroom. I know it was much more than that though... It was more than texts from him. It was the evidence of the Holy Spirit who lives inside of him! That's where his confidence came from.... It came from his Father! 

It was a horrible day, yet already I have this overwhelming feeling that God is working and the mounds of dust will clear and we will see this beauty unveil itself... A beauty unlike anything we've known before.

God is always good, always sovereign, always love. Forever.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Losing Them

So without sounding like I'm writing an article about depression, I am going to attempt to write about having growing teens in the house. I have three now.

It's Friday night. Everyone is home. It's actually the first time all week since J has been away on business all week. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's a usual occurrence that everyone is here at home on a Friday night. It's actually not. Tonight is different though. We set it aside since Dad was gone all week. In addition to that fact, J volunteered to make dinner tonight (indian food... his specialty). This night was deemed "special" for these two reasons.... Add to that 'Transformers' out of the Redbox and you got yourself a pretty perfect Friday night. Except for one thing...

Our 17 year old is pacing the house. He either sits with his ear buds comfortably placed inside his ear canals, or he paces the house. It's like he doesn't know what to do here. It's like he all of a sudden feels bored while at home. This makes me so extremely sad.

Have I done something wrong? Have I just failed to do some little (or big) thing right? Why now? Why has he never seemed this uncomfortable before now? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm losing him?

Raising teens isn't easy ( WOW, was that the understatement of the year, or what?). It's such a mind game. My teens are good guys. For the most part, I don't worry about the decisions they are making. They have pretty level heads on their shoulders. That's not to say though that they don't know how to make their Mama's heart hurt.

I try to remind myself that there are MUCH bigger teen related family issues out there. I even think back to some of the crazy stunts I pulled on my own parents. They must have felt some of the very emotions I'm feeling at this very moment.

Mom, Dad, if you still read these pages, please hear me.... I'm SO SORRY. If I would have known then what I know now I might have done some things differently. I would have come to your bedside at the end of the day to just say "Thank you". I would have stopped my fast paced routine of crazy teen life and embraced you for a "just because" hug. I might have even came to you on a Friday night and asked you to stay in for a dinner and movie night... And I wouldn't pace the house.

I would do these things because I would know that our time was nearing an end. I would want you to know that our lives were about to change and go in many different directions, but the importance you play in my life is one thing that would never change. I would want you to know that I knew that you were my biggest fans, and that you would do anything for me! I would want you to know that you weren't losing me.

I am full aware that all of this is so strangely normal. I guess I just want to feel reassured right now that someday these beautiful boys of mine will feel these same feelings. My heart sometimes wants to explode with the love that I have for them. They don't understand this today.... BUT I want to know that someday they will understand this feeling. Who knows... Maybe in that moment I will receive a phone call out of nowhere...

"Mom, what are you doing tonight? How about dinner and a movie?"