Friday, October 3, 2014

Losing Them

So without sounding like I'm writing an article about depression, I am going to attempt to write about having growing teens in the house. I have three now.

It's Friday night. Everyone is home. It's actually the first time all week since J has been away on business all week. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's a usual occurrence that everyone is here at home on a Friday night. It's actually not. Tonight is different though. We set it aside since Dad was gone all week. In addition to that fact, J volunteered to make dinner tonight (indian food... his specialty). This night was deemed "special" for these two reasons.... Add to that 'Transformers' out of the Redbox and you got yourself a pretty perfect Friday night. Except for one thing...

Our 17 year old is pacing the house. He either sits with his ear buds comfortably placed inside his ear canals, or he paces the house. It's like he doesn't know what to do here. It's like he all of a sudden feels bored while at home. This makes me so extremely sad.

Have I done something wrong? Have I just failed to do some little (or big) thing right? Why now? Why has he never seemed this uncomfortable before now? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm losing him?

Raising teens isn't easy ( WOW, was that the understatement of the year, or what?). It's such a mind game. My teens are good guys. For the most part, I don't worry about the decisions they are making. They have pretty level heads on their shoulders. That's not to say though that they don't know how to make their Mama's heart hurt.

I try to remind myself that there are MUCH bigger teen related family issues out there. I even think back to some of the crazy stunts I pulled on my own parents. They must have felt some of the very emotions I'm feeling at this very moment.

Mom, Dad, if you still read these pages, please hear me.... I'm SO SORRY. If I would have known then what I know now I might have done some things differently. I would have come to your bedside at the end of the day to just say "Thank you". I would have stopped my fast paced routine of crazy teen life and embraced you for a "just because" hug. I might have even came to you on a Friday night and asked you to stay in for a dinner and movie night... And I wouldn't pace the house.

I would do these things because I would know that our time was nearing an end. I would want you to know that our lives were about to change and go in many different directions, but the importance you play in my life is one thing that would never change. I would want you to know that I knew that you were my biggest fans, and that you would do anything for me! I would want you to know that you weren't losing me.

I am full aware that all of this is so strangely normal. I guess I just want to feel reassured right now that someday these beautiful boys of mine will feel these same feelings. My heart sometimes wants to explode with the love that I have for them. They don't understand this today.... BUT I want to know that someday they will understand this feeling. Who knows... Maybe in that moment I will receive a phone call out of nowhere...

"Mom, what are you doing tonight? How about dinner and a movie?"

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