Wednesday, April 30, 2014

April 30, 2014

The smell here is familiar, yet distant. Sterile, of course being the one word I find most useful to describe the height of all of my senses.

The men and women in blue-green scrubs rushing from hallway to hallway remind me of the day that Luke entered our lives. That day was almost seventeen years ago. Today, of course is a much different day. Today I am separated from my son by many doors and many hallways. There are highly trained doctors and nurses by his side, but I sit here in a waiting room.

It was a surreal moment before they took him. I sat by his bedside and took his very clammy, shaky hand in mine. This boy that has become a man became a boy again before my eyes. I even saw his lip quiver a couple of times, this sixteen year old fighting back his true emotions. He didn't cry, but I know on the inside, there were big crocodile tears flooding him. I held that hand tight and assured him that you're never too old to need your mom. Even I, at the age of 42 came out of my own surgery not that long ago asking for my mom. A smile spread across his face.

My prayers for my son today are mighty ones. God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows what the outcome of this surgery will be already. My patience is being tested to a new level today as I wait in this big sterile room for my patient. My heart is at peace though. I love this boy more than words can say, but my Jesus loves and cherishes him even more.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Wednesday, April 2, 2014


The rain falls heavy outside of the classroom today. As it pounds away, my thoughts lead me to a different pounding.

The pounding of my heart.

My Mama heart is pounding loud these days. It sometimes feels as though it will burst right through the wall of my chest. Being a Mother has always been my heart's strongest desire, and yet my heart feels that this very desire is shredding it into a million pieces at times.

Years ago I moaned and groaned my way through child birth. The pain was horrific, yet at the same time, the best kind of pain imaginable! The early stages of labor bring you to a new kind of excitement. The anticipated moment is finally here, and life sweeps you away in those moments of knowing that everything familiar is about to become unfamiliar. This little person that is half your heart and half of the heart of your love is about to steal all of you. It's kind of a strange thing that the thought of that doesn't seem scary, but invigorating.

And then... transition hits.

It is like a whole ton of stones has come down upon you, bearing down with all of it's weight and heaviness. During these moments it is hard to catch your breath. Everything seems to be moving at a much more rapid pace. Those moments seem to spin out of control! The room suddenly looks different. What was  a few minutes ago a beautiful process, explosively becomes an ugly process. Bringing this new life into the world has become an impossible feat.... That seems to have no end.

But it does.

The baby arrives and the room becomes beautiful again. The ugliness disappears as quickly as it came.

During these days of raising boys in their teens, I feel that I have hit that place of transition once again. The days that preceded were exciting and invigorating. They were full of pain, but nothing that really took my breath away. These days are sometimes explosive, sometimes feeling as though they are rather ugly. Mornings fall into night fall with such speed and disregard of my emotions telling them to halt. Guiding these young men through this life that is so different and much harder than it ever was for me seems impossible.

But I've been here before...

There is an end to this. There will be a day when the ugliness will disappear as quickly as it came to be. This period of transition is just that. It is a necessary place to be to take us to the next place.
I know that the next moment that comes will bring with it it's own unfamiliarity. It too will be a stranger, just as every other moment has been.  

It is all part of the birthing process. This process is thought to be only a short while, but I'm discovering that this process lasts for a lifetime.

I became a mother 17 years ago and I have gone from the early stages to a period of transition. Now I sit in acceptance that this is what the rest of my life as a mother will look like.... Many more years of early stages to transition.

Back and forth with a rhythm that never fails.

But just as a young mother learns more about her body and her capabilities with each subsequent birth, I will learn how to ride these rhythmic waves as each new one comes my way.

Because I love these boys... These men. They are part of me, I am part of them.

Like it's always said... "The pain is ALWAYS worth it!"