Monday, June 2, 2014

The Fall

When they are little, they fall a lot. When the fall happens, there is either silence for a moment before the wailing begins, or there is immediate wailing. Either way, there is no mistaking the emotions spilling from their little beings.

As their mothers, we tend to them. We scoop them up, kiss their scrapes, bumps or whatever might be causing the hurt, and we love them like there is no tomorrow! Soon after the fall and the "mommy love session" life returns to normal and everything is right again.

This is the cycle.

The cycle changes, but the cycle does not stop.

Mine are older now, and their "boo boos" are no longer the type that disappear after a sweet little kiss. No matter how much I try to fix the things that hurt and torment my three boys at times, I cannot kiss and love them away. Their hurt and torment becomes MY hurt and torment, and there is no end. Usually, the "falls" just continue happening... One on top of the next one. It sometimes feels like we might ALL just break.

I read something in my devotional yesterday that I am trying to really meditate on during this season. This is what it said:

"When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." ~ Jesus Calling (Sarah Young)

No, I cannot fix their burdens. I usually cannot even fix my own. Am I obsessing over what I cannot do, or am I turning away from these burdens and instead looking into the face of His Presence? Am I teaching my young men how to attempt to fix everything, or how to let themselves fall into that deep satisfying connection with the One who knows (and loves) them best?

It doesn't look the same anymore either. When they fall, there is usually just silence... No wailing involved anymore. Sometimes that's what hurts a mother's heart the most. The silence can be deafening. It is still too. They no longer come running for comfort. Often, distance is what heals their hearts faster than my getting involved. I know it's all natural, but even though that knowledge is in me, it is still as uncomfortable to me as the fall itself.

I knew this season would come, but it came earlier than what I had anticipated. I am finding that I am not handling it with the grace that I thought I would. I find myself fighting tears in the middle of the day as I think about the struggles and hurt that my boy is feeling (and sometimes make that plural, boys). Instead of easing into the struggle I have caught myself fighting against it... Trying to figure out how to fix things for the ones I love.

After receiving the reminder in this devotional, I have realized that I CAN fix things. The ONLY way I can fix things is by finding and modeling my own connection with Jesus. If I model connection and a sense of leaning on Him for my children, then that's what they will learn to do too. If I place myself in His presence, then my children will find themselves there also. It doesn't get any more "fixed" than that!

In His presence there is perfect peace.

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