Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Caught in the middle

To quote a favorite song of mine...

"Somewhere between the hot and the cold.
Somewhere between the new and the old.
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be...
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who I'm meant to be...
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me.

Just how close can I get, Lord
to my surrender- without losing all control?

Fearless warriors and the picket fence
wreckless abandonment wrapped in common sense
deep water faith in the shallow end
and we are caught in the middle.

With eyes wide open to the differences
A God we want and a God who is
But would we trade our dreams for His...
or are we caught in the middle?"

The song goes on. The lyrics are AMAZING! Without fail, every time I doubt myself or any part of my life... I play this song and He brings me back. He brings me back to His arms. He brings me back home.

This weekend was FULL of gifts! We had dinner with some friends Friday night and that was truly a gift. I shared a post with you all last week about feeling "empty" at the start of our school year. I asked for prayer and ideas. I immediately felt your prayers... and the ideas came flowing into my own head. My first idea was one that I shared with my good friend, Tina, Friday night after dinner. We talked about a lot of things, but the main idea was one of just being overwhelmed. Time to bring back the idea of simplicity, Tami. I could save a lot of time and grief if I just took the time to go back and read my own posts, right? Anyhow, our conversation (Tina and I) was a HUGE blessing and I left feeling like I had just been to a homeschooling refresher course! Thanks, Tina. We really need to make time for eachother more. :0)

The boys went to Grandma and Grandpa's Saturday night and I had the opportunity to spend the ENTIRE night with my husband... UNINTERRUPTED! It was a beautiful thing. We had dinner together, strolled, got coffee, took a little drive and had the BEST conversations about the past, present and future. I don't know about you... but I really get excited when I get the chance to daydream about the future with my best friend. What's better is daydreaming about it together... and verbalizing it all.

In the midst of receiving these gifts of conversation and time with people I love and care a lot about, I remembered the lyrics to this song by Casting Crowns. I genuinely feel like I have been caught in the middle. I have experienced "deep water faith in the shallow end" and I have most DEFINITELY felt like I was this person that I have never been before. I viewed that as a bad thing. I kept wondering...

"what's wrong with me?"

Nothing is WRONG with me! God is working in me! He's still molding me into who I'm meant to be. The person I am today will not be the same tomorrow or the next day. What an incredible challenge it is for me to see this, resist the temptation to fight it and learn about the experience of it all while at the same time teaching my children about this process. WOW!

There are a few things in life I feel so strongly about. One, my God IS the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Circumstances around us change, we change, those we love change... but HE doesn't. There is great comfort in that, isn't there? Two, God has SO MUCH planned for me, my husband and these three handsome boys. We don't know these plans yet, but that's not the important part. The important part is that we remain willing to follow. Last, but certainly NOT least... I know that during this season of life, these boys are where they are supposed to be. I am where I'm supposed to be. We are at home... learning together. We aren't learning just reading, writing and arithmetic. We are learning about life. We are learning about loving others, respecting others and following the voice of God.

My three sons are treasures. They are treasures given to us by God, their maker. God is molding THEM each day into who THEY are meant to be. I'm so thrilled that I get to be a part of that! I'm also thrilled to have friends and family who travel this road with us and pray with us.

Today I'm feeling full again. I'm feeling full of grace that has been given to me. I'm feeling full and refreshed in spirit. I'm so thankful for my God who never changes... even when I am caught in the middle.


Tina said...

Tami~ This blessed me just right. I was overcome with pressure this afternoon, just from everything, and needed to good cry and a word of refocus. Thank you!
much love

Anonymous said...

Through all the bumps, ups and downs, God is still there molding and perfecting His perfect work. Philippians 1:6 is a verse I've quoted often to those who experience the growing pains of spiritual development. "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it into completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Never thought until now, that "the day of Jesus Christ" is when we see our Lord face to face. So those ups and downs will continue. Lord help me to be flexible enough to withstand them lest I break.

My darling daughter, I love reading your thoughts. There are times when I think (at least I want to believe) there is a part of me living in you.

I hope someday to live close enough to be closer to you, Jason, and those 3 wonderful grandsons. I hope someday soon to hear you say "The boys spent the night with Papa and Grammy".