Monday, February 1, 2010
Keepin' It Real
It has never been my intention for anyone to get the idea, simply by reading this blog, that my life is perfect. Don't get me wrong, the smiles that you see in the pictures that appear are genuine. We have tons of fun around here too, BUT...
Perfect, my life is not.
That's just the way god wants it to be though, isn't it? If it were perfect, then I probably wouldn't be "on the line" with him throughout my days. It's sad, but isn't it true? When things are going well, we usually do stop and say "Thanks"... but isn't it most often a pretty quick thanks? I know it is for me.
However, when things are far from perfect, God hears a lot from me. He hears me night and day. He hears my anger and frustrations... He hears my tears and sorrow. He hears ALL of me!
So... in keepin' things real here, I thought I'd journal a few of my recent cries.
When it was really decided FOR us that we would have three children instead of the four that WE had thought we'd have, I heard plenty of people tell me, "Oh, but if you stop at three, you will have a middle child". Like I said, this wasn't really a decision that we had completely come up with all on our own. Because of medical reasons, we NEEDED to stop at three. Therefore, I rationalized in my own head regarding the whole "middle child theory". I told myself that it really wasn't an issue. It had everything to do with how you raised your children. If you did your best to treat them all equally, then none of them (including the middle one) would feel any differently from the rest. Well... I'm here today to tell you...
I was wrong.
My middle son struggles a lot. He has a very strong personality. He severely dislikes submitting to authority (especially the authority of his big brother) and he absolutely LOVES telling his little brother what to do, and HOW to do it. This makes for a very bad combo. He is ten, but he thinks he's fifty. I love him so much, and my prayer for him is that God will use his strengths in a positive way and that He will continue to point out and refine Colby's weak spots. The problem is... the whole submission thing. In order to start the refining process, you have to first admit that there are weaknesses and acknowledge where they are. We're not there yet, but for the past couple of months, God has had us all in this fire-y place. Most weeks are packed with heart to heart talks, punishments over making bad decisions, lots of tears and words that make a mother's heart ache.
The words aren't unkind words. The words are from his heart and they are words that tell me that he just doesn't think God can make him any different than he is. I assure him that we all feel this way at times, and that God CAN and WILL change what needs to be changed, but first we have to COMPLETELY submit to His authority in order for that change to happen. God never gives up on us... even when we have.
This boy of mine has such a sweet spirit. His teacher at school even tells me that all the girls' eyes are on him, and it's not solely his looks... it's his spirit. He loves to make himself available to help people. He has been called "charming" on many occasions, and I agree. During these past weeks I've been praying specific prayers for him and for us, that we would know how to handle these situations, and be completely directed by God. That we would choose the correct words, even in moments of frustration, so that we wouldn't damage that spirit. Today I heard this song (as I've heard it a million times before) and it spoke to me differently. It became a prayer too. It is my prayer that Colby will hear these words whispered in his little ears over and over, and that he will believe that God wants all of him. For, more than anything... God loves him. God loves Colby more than even I can fathom.... and I KNOW that God has big purpose for this middle son of mine.
** In order to hear this song I'm speaking of, make sure to have your volume turned up. I know I often can't read and listen at the same time, but it's worth it to hear these incredible words! **